i literally should just kill myself
i hate myself
maybe i’m asking for too much
she doesn’t adore me
she loves me well
still feeling my heart clench when i think of how tough the past year has been for me. it’s true, all i did this year was survive.
i’ve witnessed my darkest days this year. i’ve reached my lowest low. i couldn’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. i thought i would never see the end of the tunnel itself. i couldn’t remember what better feels like anymore. and i stopped hoping for better days. i despised life. i despised myself.
all i did this year was survive. all i did was to get myself out of that dark place in my mind. to pull myself out of my grave. to keep holding my own hands back from harming myself. to refill my entirely drained-out cup. to find something that would feel better than just being gone. and to convince myself that it will get better.
i received psychotherapy sessions. i consulted a psychiatrist and tried taking medications. i underloaded a semester and took only what my frail sanity could afford. i joined an out of town trip to distract and pamper myself. the next semester, i did my best studying, and i was also able to join a university org that advocates for mental health.
most of all, i found myself a person who stuck with me and loved me through it all. life seems a bit better now. i have a loving family and supportive friends. i may still be inside the tunnel, but i can finally see a light at the end of it now. i’m glad i survived.
it’s fucking taking everything in me not to punch my fucking head
I love you and your name.
cigarettes,
alcohol,
bathroom tiles,
my back on the wall,
her knees on the floor,
my hands on her hair,
her mouth on me.
she was so damn beautiful.
you’re the closest to heaven that i’ll ever be
i love her with all that i am
it was really nice just seeing her face. just looking at her. i can spend a lifetime just watching her. she’s pretty like that.
i wanna call her baby. i wanna call her love.